The 4 Parenting Styles in Action • Encompass Mental Health

So let's take a look at a few scenarios that help to explain the difference between the way the four different parenting styles would handle ... Scheduleanappointment Inthelastfourweeks,we’velookedatfourdifferentparentingstylesandtheeffectstheyhaveonchild,adolescentandevenadultdevelopment. We’velearnedthatparentsfromAuthoritarianhomesusethreatsofviolencetoscarechildrenintosubmissionandthatthiscanhavelong-termnegativeeffectslikedevelopingpoorconfidenceandself-esteem,becomingfearfulandanxious,andlackingcommunicationskills. We’velearnedthatparentsfromNeglectful/Uninvolvedhomeslackinterestintheirchild’sneedsandcaremostlyaboutwhattheywantandneedasadults;childrenfromthesehomestendtoexperiencethemostsignificantlong-termconsequences,likefailuretomeetdevelopmentalmilestonesandaninabilitytocompletebasicfunctionsofadulthood. We’velearnedthatparentsfromIndulgenthomes,inanefforttoensuretheirchild’shappiness,willspendmuchoftheirtimegivingtheirkidsthethingsthattheywant.Thesechildrenaremorelikelytogrowupexpectingthingstobegiventothemandmaystrugglewithsharingwithothers,beingapartofateam,andhavingahealthymarriagethatinvolvesgive-and-take. Andfinally,we’velearnedthatparentsfromAuthoritativehomesuselogicandreasontoexplainthereasonsfortheirdisciplinaryactionsandtohelpchildrentounderstandthewhybehindtheparent’sexpectations.We’velearnedthatthesechildrenhavethebestchanceofbecomingproductivemembersofsocietywhoknowhowtoactandwhyit’simportanttoactthatwayinthegivenscenario. We’velearnedthroughoutthisprocessthattheAuthoritativestyleofparentingisthebeststyletoutilize.Whatwehaven’tlearnedishowtoimplementthisstyleofparentingintoeverydaylife. Plainandsimple,beinganAuthoritativeparentishardwork.BeinganAuthoritativeparentrequiresthatyouplanaheadinanattempttoeducatethechildbeforeissuesdevelop;itrequiresthatyourespondwithwarmthandguidancewhenissuesdodevelop(becausetheywill)andthatyouresistthetemptationtoyell,threatenviolence,ortrytointimidateachildintosubmission(whichyou’llfailatbecauseitisareallyhardtaskandit’soktomakemistakeseveryonceinawhile). BeinganAuthoritarianparentisactuallyaloteasierthanbeinganAuthoritativeparents.Mostpeoplecanusethreatsofphysicalviolenceduringastressfulmomenttothreatenachildintosubmission.That’sreallynotthathardofatask. What’sdifficultisknowinghowtotalkwithachildtoteachhimwhyyou’reaskinghimtodosomethingortostopdoingsomethingandhowit’srelevanttohislife.Ittakeshardworktorefrainfromyellingandthreateningphysicalpunishment,ortryingtoscarethechildwithyoursizeandpower. OneofthebiggestcriticismsthatIhearfromoldergenerations(whowereprimarilyAuthoritarianstyleparents)oftoday’sparentsisthatifaparentisn’tspankingtheirchild,theyaren’tdiscipliningtheirchild.ThiscritiqueassumesthatnotspankingkidsequatestobeinganIndulgentparent,butthisisn’tanaccurateunderstandingoftheAuthoritativeparent. BeinganAuthoritativeparentdoesnotmeanbeingeasy,softoroverlypermissivetochildren.Theseparentsstillhaveexpectationsandarewillingtogiveconsequencesfortheirchild’sactions,buttheconsequencesjustdon’tincludephysicalpunishment(orthreatsofphysicalpunishment). Solet’stakealookatafewscenariosthathelptoexplainthedifferencebetweenthewaythefourdifferentparentingstyleswouldhandlethesituationandthelessonsthatarelearnedfromeachexperience: 4-year-oldAllyisstandinginthegrocerycartwhilehermompushesthecartintothecheckoutline.Allynoticesabagofgummybearsandreachesoutforthebag.HermomkeepspushingthecarttowardstheendofthelineandAllybeginstoscreamwhileshestompsherfeetandholdsontothesideofthecart,flailingherbodybackandforth. Thisisascenewe’veallseentoomanytimesatthegrocerystore!Achildisthrowinganepictempertantrumandlookslikeshe’sneveroncereceivedanysortofdisciplineinthepast.So,howwouldthefourdifferentparentingstyleshandlethissituation? AuthoritarianParentResponse Ally’smomreachesacrossthecartgrabbingherandpullingheroutofthecart.“Doyouwantaspanking?”Allyshakesherheadno.Ally’smom,holdingherbytheelbowandjerkingherarmsays,“Thenstopthatscreamingoryou’llgetaspanking,youhearme?!” Neglectful/UninvolvedParentResponse Afterafewmomentsofthescreaming,Ally’smomlooksupfromhercellphoneandtellshertobequiet.Allycontinuestoscreamsohermomhandsherthebagofcandy.Allystopsscreamingandhermomreturnstohercellphone. IndulgentParentResponse “Honey,what’swrong?”Ally’smomasksher.Allyscreams,“Gummybears!”Hermom,lookingaroundinembarrassmentattheothercustomerswhoarestaringatAllysays,“Well,allyouhadtodoisaskforthem;youdon’thavetoscreamaboutit”whileshetossesthebagofgummybearsinAlly’sdirection. AuthoritativeParentResponse Beforeenteringthestore,Ally’smomhadtoldAllywhattoexpectatthegrocerystore:“Wearegoingtobuythegroceriesonourlist,butnothingelse.Bothyouandmommywon’tbeabletobuyanyspecialtreatstoday.” WhenAllybeginstoscream,Ally’smomgentlypullshercloseandsays,“Candyisnotonourlisttoday,andwe’reonlybuyingthethingsonourlist.Yourscreamingishurtingotherpeople’sears,andifyouchoosetocontinuescreaming,youchoosetoleavethestoretotakeatimeoutinthecar.” Let’slookatanotherexample: TwinsSylviaandStevenhavebeenfightingalldaylong.Therehasbeenconstantscreaming,physicalfightingandtattlinggoingonforthemajorityoftheday. Theissueofsiblingrivalryisonethatmostparentshavetodealwithonadailybasis.Parentstypicallywantthefightingtostopbecauselisteningtothefightingisoverwhelmingandannoyingfortheparent. Sowhatdoeachofthefourparentingstylesdotostopthisproblem? AuthoritarianParentResponse Mom,unabletotakeitanylongerscreamsoutatthechildren,“Yourdadisgoingtobehomeinafewminutesandyouguysaregoingtogetthespankingofalifetime!Youwon’tbeabletositfordays! Neglectful/UninvolvedParentResponse Mom,unabletohearherTVshowoverthesoundofherchildrenfighting,turnsuptheTVandclosesthedoortoherbedroom. PermissiveParentResponse Mom,afraidofhurtingherchild’sfeelingssays,“Wow!Youguyshavebeenatitallday.We’vebeencoopedupinthishousewithnooutlet.Let’sgooutforicecreamsowecangetachangeofscenery.” AuthoritativeParentResponse Mom,knowingthatthereisafuneventthatthekidsarelookingforwardtogoingtotonightsays,“YourdadandIwon’tbeabletotakeyoutothecircustonightifyou’reactinglikethat.Screaming,hittingandtattlingisn’tacceptablebehavioranywhere,butespeciallynotataplacelikethecircus.Isuggestthatyoustartpracticingnowhowtoactwhenwe’reatthecircustonight,orI’llhavetofindsomeonetostayathomewithyouwhilewegotothecircus.” So,whatdidthechildrenlearnfromtheirparents’responses? Authoritarian Allylearnedinstantlythathertempertantrumwasnotappropriate,butthemotivatorforstoppingthebehaviorwasfear,notlogicandunderstandingofwhyit’sinappropriatetothrowatantrumtogetwhatshewants. SylviaandStevenalsolearnedinstantlythattheirfightingwasnotappreciated,butthethreatoforfearof“thespankingofalifetime”thatwillpreventthemfrombeingabletositforthenextfewdaysisthemotivatorforthebehaviorchange,nottheunderstandingthatit’sunacceptabletofightlikethis. Neglectful/Uninvolved Allylearnedthatscreamsarethebestwaytogetwhatshewantsfromaparentwhoisn’tallthatinterestedinherlife. SylviaandStevenlearnedthatthereisnothingwrongwithfighting,becausenooneintervenedtoletthemknowthattheirbehaviorwasinappropriate. Indulgent Allylearnedthatit’soktothrowtempertantrums,becauseultimately,she’llgetwhatshewantsintheend.Shealsolearnedthatallshehastodoisask,andshecanhavewhatevershewants(alessonthatwillbetrulydisappointingtoherwhensheentersschool,hasplaydateswithfriends,orgrowsupandgetsajob). Sincetheirmomdidnothingtodiscusswiththemthattheirbehaviorwasinappropriate,atworstSylviaandStevenlearnedthatfightingisrewardedwithicecreamandotherspecialevents;atbesttheylearnednothingaboutwhetherfightingisappropriateornot. Authoritative Allylearnedthatscreamingandthrowingafitwon’tgetherwhatshewants,anditwillresultinremovalfromothers(anaturalconsequencethatislikelytooccurinthefutureifAllyisloudandobnoxiousinpublic). SylviaandStevenlearnedthattheirfightingbehaviorisnotappropriateformostsocialsettingsandtheywillbeaskedtositoutfromthosesocialsettingsinthefutureiftheycan’tactappropriately(anothernaturalconsequencethatislikelytooccurinthefutureatschool,church,movies,concerts,andotherpubliceventsiftheyarefightingwitheachotherorwithothers). RememberhowIsaidthatthosewithanAuthoritariandisciplinestyletendtobelievethatnotspankingequatestonotdisciplining?Well,it’simportanttonotethatboththeAuthoritarianparentandtheAuthoritativeparentwantthesameresultfromtheirchildren,butthewaytheygoaboutitisverydifferent. KeepinmindthattheAuthoritativeparentingstylestillprovidedaconsequence,itsimplywasn’tathreatofviolence.Instead,itwasanaturalconsequencethatislikelytooccuratdaycare,school,churchoranotherpublicplaceifthechildrenshowsimilarbehaviors. Authoritativeparentsmustbewillingtofollowupontheconsequencesthattheyofferifthechildchoosesnottocomply,otherwisetheseparentsbegintoresembleIndulgentparents,whichdoesn’thelppreparechildrenfortheirfutureinschool,relationshipsandworksettings. FiledUnder:Uncategorized LeaveaReplyCancelreplyYouremailaddresswillnotbepublished.Requiredfieldsaremarked*CommentName* Email* Website Δ