We Are Defining Love the Wrong Way - TIME

The word is mostly used according to the first definition given in the dictionary: “an intense feeling of deep affection.” In other words, love ... Ideas relationships WeAreDefiningLovetheWrongWay WeAreDefiningLovetheWrongWay GettyImages Ideas By RabbiDavidWolpe February16,201611:47AMEST WolpeistheMaxWebbSeniorRabbiofSinaiTempleinLosAngeles,theauthorofeightbooksandhasbeennamedoneofthe50mostinfluentialJewsintheworldbytheJerusalemPost. Itistimetochangethemeaningoftheword“love.”Thewordismostlyusedaccordingtothefirstdefinitiongiveninthedictionary:“anintensefeelingofdeepaffection.”Inotherwords,loveiswhatonefeels. Afteryearsspentspeakingwithcouplesbefore,duringandaftermarriage;andoftalkingtoparentsandchildrenstrugglingwiththeirrelationships,Iamconvincedofthepartialityofthedefinition.Loveshouldbeseennotasafeelingbutasanenactedemotion.Toloveistofeelandactlovingly.Toomanywomenhavetoldme,bruisesvisibleontheirfaces,thatthehusbandswhostruckthemlovethem.Sincetheyseeloveasafeeling,thewordhidesthetruth,whichisthatyoudonotlovesomeonewhomyourepeatedlybeatandabuse.Youmayhaveverystrongfeelingsaboutthem,youmayevenbelieveyoucannotlivewithoutthem,butyoudonotlovethem. ThefirstlovementionedintheBibleisnotromanticlove,butparentallove(Genesis22).Whenachildisborn,theparent’sreactiontothisperson,whosorecentlydidnotexist,istofeelthat“Iwoulddoanythingforher.”Inthedoingisthelove—thefeelingisenacted.Thatiswhyweoftenhearthephrase“youdon’tactlikeyouloveme.”Weknowinourbonesthatloveisnotafeelingalone,butafeelingthatflowsintotheworldinaction.Betweenhumanbeings,loveisarelationalword.Yes,youcanlovethingsthatdonotloveyouback—theskyoramountainorapaintingorthegameofchess.Buttheloveofotherpeopleisdirectional.Thereisaloverandabeloved—youdon’tjustlove,butyouloveatsomeone.Andrealloveisnotonlyaboutthefeelingsofthelover;itisnotegotism.Itiswhenonepersonbelievesinanotherpersonandshowsit. InFiddlerontheRoof,whenTevyeasksGoldewhethersheloveshimafteraquartercenturyofmarriage,herwryanswerisexactlyonpoint: Fortwenty-fiveyearsI’vewashedyourclothes Cookedyourmeals,cleanedthehouse Givenyouchildren,milkedyourcow Sheasksthen,“Ifthat’snotlove,whatis?” Ofcourseitispossibletoperformallsortsofdutiesforsomeoneandfeellittleornothingforthem.Loveisnotaboutbeinghiredhelp.Loveisnotanobligationdonewithacoldsoul.Butneitherisitapassionthatexpressesitselfincruelty,oronethatdoesnotexpressitselfatall.Thefeelingmustbeweddedtothedeed.Wewouldhaveahealthierconceptionofloveifweunderstoodthatlove,likeparentingorfriendship,isafeelingthatexpressesitselfinaction.Whatwereallyfeelisreflectedinwhatwedo.Thepoet’ssongisdazzlingandthepassionpowerful,butthedeepestbeautyofloveishowitchangeslives. MoreMust-ReadStoriesFromTIME Here’sHowEffectivetheOriginalVaccinesAreAgainstOmicron ThePromise—AndPossiblePerils—ofEditingWhatWeSayOnline HowTrumpSurvivedDecadesofLegalTrouble:Deny,Deflect,Delay,andDon'tPutAnythinginWriting FlintIsStillShakenbyitsWaterCrisis—andResidentsAreExperiencingLong-TermMental-HealthIssues ABeerShortageIsBrewing.AVolcanoIsPartlytoBlame HowFastingCan—andCan't—ImproveGutHealth CitiesKeepEnforcingCurfewsforTeens,DespiteEvidenceTheyDon'tStopCrime JoeManchin’sRedTapeReformCouldSuperchargeRenewableEnergyintheU.S. Column:WeShouldTalkMoreAboutWhataBrilliantActorMarilynMonroeWas [email protected]. TIMEIdeashoststheworld'sleadingvoices,providingcommentaryoneventsinnews,society,andculture.Wewelcomeoutsidecontributions.OpinionsexpresseddonotnecessarilyreflecttheviewsofTIMEeditors. YouMayAlsoLike ReadNext WhyGuysWhoGotoChurchCouldBeHappieronValentine'sDay NextUp:Editor'sPick WhatAmerica'sRichestSkiTown'sHandlingofCOVID-19Shows EDITPOST Youhavereachedyourlimitof4freearticles. Loading... Paywall-Icons-DevicesGetunlimitedaccesstoTIME.com Paywall-Icons-NewsletterInsideTIMEdeliveredtwiceweekly Paywall-Icons-DigitalMagazineAccesstotheTIMEDigitalMagazine SubscribeNow Alreadyaprintsubscriber? Goheretolinkyoursubscription. PurchasedTIMEPieces? Goheretoconnectyourwallet. Alreadyhaveadigitalaccount?SignIn. SubscribeNow Orcreateafreeaccounttoaccessmorearticles Existingprintsubscriber?Clickhere.