Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle

Karpman defined three roles in the "transaction"; Persecutor, Rescuer (the one up positions) and Victim (one down position). Karpman placed ... EscapingConflictandtheKarpmanDramaTriangle Author: R.SkipJohnsonAreyouexperiencingalotofconflictinyourrelationshipwithverylittleresolution? Mostlikelyyouarestuckinwhat Stephen KarpmanM.D.callsadramatriangle(orKarpmanTriangle). AccordingtopsychologistMargalisFjelstad,PhD,authorofStopCaretakingtheBorderlineorNarcissist,wecangetcaughtupinaconflictandlockourselvesintorigidandself-satisfying/self-punishingrolesthatlimitourabilitiestoliveourlivesinahealthy,happy,andrelaxedway. KarpmanTrianglesarepossibleinanyrelationship,andareparticularlycommoninrelationshipswithpartnerswhoaresufferingwithpersonalityorimpulsedisorders. Soundlikeyourlife?Wanttoendthedrama? YoucanescapethehighconflictanddramaofKarpman'sTriangle. Todothis,youwillneedtochangethewayyoudealwithconflict.  Triangulation-OurRelationshipsAffectourWell-being TherewasasignificantadvanceinpsychiatryafterWorldWarII. Therapistsobservedthatmanybattle-tornveteranpatientswhohadbeenintreatmentoverseasregressedafterreturningtotheirfamilies.Researcherssearchingforanexplanationbegantoexploretheeffectoffamilyrelationshipsonindividualsandfoundthatsomehomeenvironmentswereextremelybeneficialtopatienthealingandrecovery,andthatsomewereextremelydetrimental.Priortothistime,psychiatristsandpsychoanalystsfocusedentirelyonthepatient’salreadydevelopedpsycheandconsideredtheeffectofoutsidedetractors,likerelationships,tobeinsignificant. In1966MurrayBowen,M.D.publishedBowen'sfamilysystemstheory.OneofthemostcriticalelementsofBowen'seightparttheorywastheconceptoftriangulationinthefamily.Simplyput,whensomeonefindsthemselfinconflictwithanotherpersontheywillreachouttoathirdperson.Theresultingtriangle(e.g.,three-personexchange)ismorecomfortableasthetensionisshiftedaroundthreepeopleinsteadofjusttwo. Triangulationiswidelyrecognizedasastabilizingfactorinafamily,atwork,amongsocialgroups,etc.Weallengageintriangulationbecausetriangleshelpuscopewhenwearestrugglingwithanotherperson. GoodTriangulationandBadTriangulation Whiletriangulationisanimportantstabilizingfactor,attimestriangulationcanbeaseriouslydestabilizingfactor. "Badtriangulation"(i.e.,pathologicaltriangulation)cancausemoreturmoilina relationship,polarizingcommunicationsandcausingconflicttoescalate. AccordingtoBowen,triangleshaveatleastfourpossibleoutcomes, twoofwhicharegoodandtwoofwhicharebad: astablepaircanbecomedestabilizedbyathirdperson; astablepaircanalsobedestabilizedbytheremovalofthethirdperson(anexamplewouldbeachildleavinghomeandnolongeravailablefortriangulation); anunstablepaircanbestabilizedbytheadditionofathirdperson(anexamplewouldbeaconflictualmarriagebecomingmoreharmoniousafterthebirthofachild);and anunstablepairbeingstabilizedbytheremovalofathirdperson(anexamplewouldbeconflictisreducedbytheremovalofathirdpersonwhotakessides). Recognizingthedifferencebetweengoodtriangulationandbadtriangulationiscriticaltoavoidrepeatedlyenteringintodestabilizingconditionsinourrelationships. KarpmanDramaTriangles-PathologicalConflict Thedramatrianglewasoriginallyconceived(1968-1972)byKarpmanasawayofgraphicallydisplayingthecomplexinteractionthatoccursbetweenpeopleembroiledinpathologicalconflict.Dr.KarpmanwasayoungpsychiatriststudyingunderEricBerne,M.D.,thecreatoroftransactionalanalysispsychology.Transactionalanalysisisbasedontheideathatone'sbehaviorandsocialrelationshipsreflectaninterchangebetweenparental(criticalandnurturing),adult(rational),andchildlike(intuitiveanddependent)aspectsofpersonalityestablishedearlyinlife. Karpmanobservedthatinconflictanddrama,thereis"goodguyvsbadguy"thinking.Healsoobservedthattheparticipantsbecomedrawnin,evenseduced,bytheenergythatthedramagenerates.Thedramaobscurestherealissues.Confusionandupsetescalates.Solutionsarenolongerthefocus. Karpmandefinedthreerolesinthe"transaction";Persecutor,Rescuer(theoneuppositions)andVictim(onedownposition).Karpmanplacedthesethreerolesonaninvertedtriangleanddescribedthemasbeingthethreeaspects,orfacesofdrama. TheVictimThevictim inKarpman'striangleisnotanactualvictim,butrathersomeonefeelingoractinglikeavictim.Karpman,whohadinterestsinactingandwasamemberofthescreenactorsguild,choosetheterm"dramatriangle"rathertheterm"conflicttriangle"becausehisvictim isacting.Nonetheless,thevictim sincerelyfeelsvictimized,oppressed,helpless,hopeless,powerless,ashamed,andseemsunabletomakedecisions,solveproblems,takepleasureinlife,orachieveinsight.Thevictim's stanceis"Poorme!" ThePersecutorThepersecutor iscontrolling,blaming,critical,oppressive,angry,authoritative,rigid,andsuperior-selfrighteous.Thepersecutor insists,"It'sallyourfault." TheRescuer Therescuer isaclassicenabler.Therescuerfeelsguiltyifhe/shedoesn'trescue.Yethis/herrescuinghasnegativeeffects:itkeepsthevictim dependentandgivesthevictim permissiontofail.Italsokeepstherescuerstuckinfocusingenergyonsomeoneelse'sproblems,notsolvinghis/herown.Therescuer's lineis"Letmehelpyou." Karpman'striangleisasimpletoolforconceptualizingthedynamicsofdysfunctionalrolesinconflictandformappingtherolechangesastheconflictgrows. HowKarpmanDramaTrianglesForm Involvementinanunhealthydramatriangleisnotsomethinganotherpersonisdoingtoyou. It'ssomethingyouaredoingwithanotherpersonorpersons.Karpmandramatrianglesinvolveatleasttwopeopleandoftenthreeandcangrowtoevenmoreifmultiplelinkedtrianglesform.  Dramatrianglesformwhenparticipantswhoarepredispositionedtoadopttherolesofadramatrianglecometogetheroveranissue.Therearemotivations,oftensubconscious,foreachparticipantinthetriangle.Thereasonthetriangleenduresisthateachparticipantgetssomepsychologicalneedsmetandtheyfeeljustifiedintheirrole-oftennotrealizingthebroaderdysfunctionandharmthatisoccurring.Inshort,eachparticipantisactinguponself-satisfyingbutunhealthyroles,ratherthanactinginagenuinelyresponsibleoraltruisticmanner. Thevictim startsorcatalyzestheformationofthedramatriangle.Thevictim,ifnotbeing"persecuted",willseekoutapersecutor andalsoarescuer whowill"save"thedaybutalsoperpetuatethevictim's negativefeelings.AccordingtoKarpman,anytimethatwedon’ttakeresponsibilityforourfeelingsandmakeourselvesouttobeavictim,wearesettingthestageforadramatriangletoform,andfailure. Theactionsoftherescuer areoftenpivotalandtendtodrivetheconflictintensitylevelbyhowaggressivelytheyrespond.Themotivationsoftherescuer aretheleastobvious...Inthetermsofthedramatriangle,therescuer issomeonewhohasamixedmotiveandisactuallybenefitinginsomewayforbeing"theonewhorescues".Therescuer hasasurfacemotiveofresolvingtheproblem,andappearstomakegreateffortstosolveit,butoftenhasahiddenmotivetonotsucceed,ortosucceedinawaythattheybenefit.Forexample,theymayfeelasenseofself-esteemorstatusasarescuer,orenjoyhavingsomeonedependenton ortrustingofthem-andactinawaythatostensiblyseemstobetryingtohelp,butatadeeperlevelplaysuponthevictiminordertocontinuegettingapayoff. AccordingtoLynneForrest,amotivationalspeakerandformersocialworkerwhohasconductedworkshopsabouttheKarpmanTriangleforthirtyyears,participantstendtohaveapri­maryorhabitualrole(victim,rescuer,persecutor)theyadoptwhenadramatrianglebeginstoform.Participantslearntheirhabitualroleintheirfam­ilyofori­gin.Theideaisthatwhenthereisdysfunctionalconflict,weoftenfindourselvesplayingoutthesedramaroleswithothers.Whilethesehabitualrolesarenaturalandoftenfamiliar,theyareverylimitingandmakeuspronetoenterintodramatriangles. HowKarpmanDramaTrianglesEscalateDrama Theeffortstocontrolandmaneuverothersinthetriangletakesonalifeofitsownandobscuresrealissuesandpracticalsolutions. Theactionsoftheparticipantsinthistypeofconflictstartoffpolarizedandbecomeincreasinglypolarizedascounteractionsaretaken.Thiscausestherolesofthevictim,rescuer,persecutor toshiftandincreasethepolarizationandconflict.  Thevictim,forexample,mayretaliateandpunishthepersecutor who,inturn,feelslikeavictim. Therescuer maybeattackedfordoingtoomuchortoolittleforthevictimortothepersecutor,respectively,andfeellikeavictim. Thenewvictim mayseekouttheirownrescuer andnowapartiatallyoverlappingtrianglewithafourthpersonforms. Nomatterwherewemaystartonthetriangle,wegenerallyspendsometimeasthevictim,andthisfuelsthepolarizationandconflict. WhoWinsinaKarpmanDramaTriangle Typicallynoone.  Ifwe’reinadramatri­an­gle,whatwe’regettingisdrama.Thepricewepayisnotgettingwhatwetrulywantorneed. EscapingtheKarpmanDramaTriangle IfyoufindyourselfembroiledinaKarpmanDramaTriangle,resistthetemptationtoplaytheexaggeratedroleofthevictim,rescuer orpersecutor inwhichyouhavebeencast(orhavecastyourself),andcounterwithanactionthatcausesyouropponenttoseetheirextremeposition(withoutyoutellingthem). Movetothecenter.Stopparticipatingasavictim,rescuerorpersecutor.Instead,findandholdacenterposition.Thecenterofthedramatrianglecontainselementsofeachcorner-itisacombinationofsensitivity,compassion,andresponsibility-withasolutionsfocus,evenifthesolutionisretreat. Refusetoacceptyouropponent'sforce.Donotstrugglewiththeotherparticipantsinthetriangle,oryieldtothem.Instead,makeacountermovewithoneopponentthatallowsthemtofullytakeanawkward,indefensible,orunreasonableposition.Ifyouhavesuccessfullytakenthecenter,youropponentwillbackoff,ratherthanunmaskingthemselvesandtheirexaggeratedrole. InthestyleofEasternPhilosophy,wedon'twanttocastalovedoneasanadversaryinourmind.Rather,wewanttounderstandtheirbadhabitsandunskillfulmeansandcounterwithawarenessandenlightenedskills.  AvoidingaLifeofKarpmanDramaTriangles AccordingtopsychologistMargalisFjelstad,PhD,inordertostayoutofdramatriangles,weneedtostoptakingontherolesofvictim,rescuer orpersecutor. Soundseasyenough?Itmaynotbe.Ifwearepredispositionedtogetintodramatrianglesfromourupbringing,wewillmostlikelyhavesomewell-ingrainedthinkingpatternsthatwillneedtobereplacedwithhealthierones. RefusetobeSuperiororInferiorAlloftheserolesrequiresonepersontobesuperior,right,good,andbetterthantheotherperson,whiletheotherpersonhastobeinferior,wrong,badandworse.Thisone-up/one-downgamehastobestoppedinorderforyoutostophavingadramafilledrelationship. Fjelstadsaysyouhavetobewillingtostopplayingthesuperior/inferiorgametostayoutofdramatriangles. AlmostallconflictinteractionswithapersonwithBorderlinePersonalityDisordertraits(BPD)orNarcissisticPersonalityDisordertraits(NPD)arebasedonwhoisbetterthan/worsethan,right/wrong,deservingofblame/deservingofdefense,whogetsmore/getsless,whodoesmore/doesless,etc. Tobreakthedynamicofsuperior/inferiorrequiresustolearntoacceptdifferencesandsimilaritiesbetweenourselvesandothersasneithergoodnorbad. Whatdoesitlookliketolivewithoutsuccumbingtosuperiorandinferiorfeelingsaboutourselvesandothers? Itmeanswewillseeourselvesandotherpeopleasuniqueindividualswith ourowndifferentstrengthsandabilities,weaknessesandlackofskillswithoutseeing anyoneasbetterorworsethananother,completelywithoutthejudgmentofrightorwrong. StopThePoorMeGame.StopBeingaVictim.Ignoringourownwantsandneeds,denyingourownopinions,givingintowhatevertheotherpersonwantsevenifitisharmful,takingtheblameforeverything,givingupwhoyouareandhowyouwanttolive,areallwaysthatwegetstuckinthevictim role.Althoughwemaythinkwearebeingniceandbeinghelpful,wearemerelyperpetuatingtheotherperson’srulesandthedysfunctionsinourfamily.Itisalsoawayforustonotfeelresponsibleforourowntimidityandfearfulnessintheinteractionsbetweenusandtheotherperson.Itleadstoasenseofpassivityandpowerlessnessthatultimatelykeepsusfromtakingtheactionsthatwecouldtaketomakeourlivesdifferent,i.e.,happier,healthierandfreer. Whenwestartfeelingoverwhelmed,unabletocope,depressedandwantingtoisolate,wearemovingintothevictim role. Inordertostopbeingavictim,wewillhavetobewillingtoaccepttheactualcircumstancesofourrelationshipwiththeotherperson.Wehavetofacethefactthatifanythingisgoingtochange,wewillhavetobetheonetomakethechanges.Wewillhavetofaceourfearsandtakenewactions.Youwillhavetolearnnewskillsandmakenewdecisions. StopTheBlameGame.Don'tbeaPersecutor.Whenlivinginadramarelationshipwelearntoblameothers.Fjelstadsaysthat breakingthehabitofblamingotherscanbechallengingbecausewemaynotreallyknowhowtoasksomeonetodosomethingdifferentwithoutblamingthemorinvalidatingthem.Givingdirectionsandtellingotherswhatwewantratherthanblamingthemfordoingthingswrongorinvalidatingthem,showsthemhowtobesuccessfulandfeelsalotbetter,too.Wearealsomorelikelytogetmorecooperationfromothersthatway. Italsomeanswewilltakeresponsibilityforhowweactandfeelaroundtheotherpersonwithouttakingtheattitudethattheotherpersoniscontrollingourfeelingsoractions.Thismeansiftheotherpersondoessomethingwedon’tlike,wesayordosomethingaboutit.Weacknowledgethatwearechoosinghowwerespond,emotionallyandbehaviorally,withoutblamingtheotherpersonforcausingourfeelingsandactions. StopFixingtheotherperson.Don'tbeaRescuer.Ifwe'vebeenacaretakertoapersonwithpersonalityorimpulsedisorderforalongtime,itmightbeahardhabittobreak.Wehavefeltobligatedtodoit.Wehavefeltguiltyfornotdoingit.Wemayhaveneededtodoitwithaparenttomakeourchildhoodbearable.Wemayhaveenjoyedthesuperiorstatusofbeingthehelper,thegoodperson,etc.Itmaybeveryhardtorelinquishthefalsehopethattheotherpersonwillsomedaysteppermanentlyintotheroleofaresponsibleandgivingadult,partner,orparent.Wehavetofaceourownoutdatedfantasies,feelingsandbeliefsandletthemgobeforewecanstopfixing,rescuingandcaretakingtheotherperson. Wehavebeenthecaretakerasawaytokeepthepeace,keepthedelusion,keepthefantasy,keepthefamilytogether,keeptheotherpersoncalm.Butperhapsit'stimetofacethefactthatnoneofourcaretakingmethodshaveworkedformorethanafewminutesorafewdays. Givinguprescuingtheotherpersonisanaction,notadiscussion.Itisn’tsomethingtoannouncetotheotherperson.Itisn’tsomethingtonegotiatewiththeotherperson.Itisn’tsomethingtothreatentheotherpersonwith.Itisallaction.Westopparticipatinginthemerry-go-roundinteractions,westoparguing,westopworryingaboutwhattheotherpersonwilldonext,westopexpectingtheotherpersontofulfillourneeds.Thisdoesnotmeanthatwehavetostopcaringaboutorlovingtheotherperson.Wechangefrombeingarescuer intheinteractionbymakingchoicesandtakingactionsthatworkbetterforusandmightevenworkbetterfortheotherperson. StartUsingtheCaringTriangle/WinningTriangle In1990,AceyChoyM.Ed.,PTSTA,introducedtheWinningTriangleintheTransactionalAnalysisJournalastheantithesisoftheKarpmanTriangle.HerworkhasbeenheraldedbyDr.Karpmanas"excellent".ChoycontraststheunhealthydynamicsofeachroleoftheKarpmantrianglewithhealthydynamics.Fjelstad,inherbook,StopCaretakingtheBorderlineorNarcissist,offersasimilarmodel. Assertratherthanpersecute.Insteadoftheactionsofthepersecutor, whoblamesandpunishes-giveuptryingtoforceormanipulateotherstodowhatyouwant.Takeonthenewbehaviorsof"doing"and"asserting".Askforwhat youwant.Saynoforwhatyoudon'twant.Giveconstructivefeedback.Initiatenegotiations.Takepositiveaction. Bevulnerable,butnotavictim."Victims"oftenfeeloverwhelmed,toodefeatedtosolvetheirproblemsandemotions.Theylooktosomeoneelsetodoitforthem.Insteadofthevictim roleyouneedtobeemotionallymature(vulnerable,notneedy),acceptthesituationyouareinandtakeresponsibilitytoproblemsolveandfunctioninamorehealthyandhappyway.Putrealthoughtintowhatyouwantandhowtogetit,andtakeactiontomakeithappen. Becaring,butdon'toverstep.Wedonotwanttoletourfears,obligationandguilttocontrolusorallowustobemanipulatedintotakingcareofanotherpersonwhenitreallyisn'thealthytodoso.Insteadofbeingtherescuer anddoingthethinking,takingthelead,doingmorethanourshare,doingmorethanisaskedofus- simplybeasupportive,empatheticlistenerandprovidereflection,coaching,andassistanceifthepersonasksandistakingtheleadthemselves.Itisimportanttorecognizetheotherpersonasanequal(notone-down)andgivetheotherpersontherespectoflettingthemtakecareofthemselves,solvetheirownproblems,anddealwiththeirfeelingsastheychoose.Remember,therescuer hasthemostpivotalpositiononthedramatriangle-youareinthestrongestposition,atleastinitially,toredirectthedynamicintohealthyterritory. MembersdiscusstheKarpmanTriangle:here   Postdate: January03,2020Lastmodified: January04,2021 Whatbestdescribesyoursituation? RelationshipToolsforHighlySensitivePeople Help.Someoneiscausingmeagreatdealofpain... 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